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Herschel WalkerHerschel Walker
Herschel Walker
Those words probably don't bring fear to most people's hearts, but we just pooped our pants saying them.
That's right.
Wait.
Let me check.
Yup, sure did.
We are terrified of the 1982 Heisman Trophy winner and current senate candidate.
Oh, and I suppose you are not.
Well trust us, you will be after hearing this.
There is no easy way to break this kind of news, so we are just going to tell it to you straight. We feel that the best course of action is to be truthful and have no large build up to the problems at hand. So when we have something to tell you, we are just gonna come right out and tell you. Besides, don't you hate it when people go on and on aboot things that you don't really care aboot and it seems like they will never shut up and just tell you what it was they were going to tell you and their sentences seem to run on forever but then again you start to think that maybe all the blabbering is what they wanted to tell you and here you have been not paying attention to them for the last five minutes and they have already said what was so important to tell you in the first place and you missed it. Well we certainly don't want to put you through that, so we are just going to come on out with it.
Alright.
We hope you are sitting down, because we aren't joking.
What we are aboot to tell you will shake every aspect of your existence. So trust us, if you have a pacemaker you should only listen to every other word and swallow any drinks you may be drinking so's not to do a spit take on your phone.
OK.
You have all been warned.
Here is the big news.
Herschel Walker wants to eat your face.
Hey, dammit! We told you to swallow.
Shit.
Well at least get us a towel, you ass.
That's right. Herschel Walker wants to eat your face.
Your precious All-American establish-er of 11 NCAA, 16 SEC and 41 University of Georgia records wants to gnaw on your face.
What's that you said?
This can't be!
Well it is boy-o so you better get used to it.
Oh what's that?
He looks so normal.
Well so does Christopher Walken.
Alright, bad example, but trust us that Herschel Walker's thirst for sweet, sweet face nectar is unstoppable.
Oh, so you're not worried?
You don't know Herschel Walker and he can't find you.
Yeah right!
Let me throw a few statistics by you Mr. I'm Not Afraid Of Herschel Walker eating my face.
Whilst a Georgia Bulldog, Herschel did the following:.
>Most Yards Rushing by a Freshman in One Season.
>Most Yards Rushing by a Sophomore in One Season.
>Most Yards Rushing in Three Seasons.
>Most Yards Rushing in One Season.
>Most Yards Rushing in a Career.
>Record Holder for Total Net Yards in Pro Career.
As you can plainly see, if Herschel Walker wants to eat your face, he has the running ability to track you down and eat your face and there is absolutely nothing you can do aboot it.
You can't run away from him, he is going to catch you.
You can't drive away from him, tortoise and the hare my friend.
He is going to get you and that is a fact.
So you say that you don't believe us.
Herschel Walker looks like a nice boy and would never do anything like that, you say.
So you don't believe that Herschel Walker wants to eat your face.
You say that you want quote unquote, evidence and this is all quote unquote, crazy.
How can we possibly know that Herschel Walker wants to eat my face?
What if i said, Dude
Dude
Now that you are thoroughly convinced of Herschel Walker's unquenchable appetite for faces you may be asking yourself, why does Herschel have the aforementioned unquenchable appetite?
The obvious answer to why Herschel Walker wants to eat your face is why not?
Honestly, who hasn't been a little peckish and thought aboot eating somebodies face?
Plainly, the fact that Herschel wants to eat faces is not the disturbing thing.
What is alarming is that Herschel's need to eat faces has taken over him and will not allow him to function in normal society.
So as a public service, we offer the following tips to help you survive any encounters with Herschel:
Avoid eye contact
Make no sudden movements
Make no comments of how delicious your face is
Yell the following,Herschel Walker wants to eat my face!
Scratch your face with your car keys to make your face less appealing to Herschel.
Of course all of these remedies only slow down Herschel.
The only way to stop him is for a person pure of heart and of clean pores to chant the following.
Herschel Herschel full of grace.
Run for senate
don't eat my face!
This will only buy you 30 seconds to evacuate the area. Herschel Walker is an unstoppable face eating machine. Our only hope is for a quick adjustment to being without a face, because it is inevitable.