June 1st is National Heimlich Maneuver Day
Celebrate by forcibly Heimliching strangers on the street. They may act like they don’t like it, but you know they do or they wouldn’t have dressed like that.
Have a divine National Heimlich Maneuver Day.
June 2nd is National Rotisserie Chicken Day
We celebrate by banging your mom on top of a rotisserie chicken with a wing up our ass. Don’t judge.
Have an exalted National Rotisserie Chicken Day.
June 3nd is World Clubfoot Day and we celebrate by wearing sandals and creeping every out with our freakishness.
Have a sacred World Clubfoot Day.
June 9th is National Sex Day and celebrate by again banging your mom on top of a rotisserie chicken but this time with giblets up our ass. Seriously, don’t judge.
June 12th is National Jerky Day is celebrated by whipping out our meat and slapping it on an aluminum foil lined baking sheet and placing it into a preheated oven at 175 degrees for 3 to 4 hours until the once succulent meat is now thoroughly dried out and cool to the touch. It should be dry to the touch, leather-like in appearance and absolutely delicious to suck on for hours and hours.
Have a holy National Jerky day.
June 15th is World Elder Abuse Awareness Day
Did you know that somewhere there are elderly people walking around all willy nilly not thinking that at any moment someone will trip them and mock their smelly asses. Let’s not let these non knowing when to die bitches get away with that shit. Do your part and punch one of these assholes today.
Peace be upon you this World Elder Abuse Awareness day.
June 16th is National Fudge Day
To celebrate, be sure to Nut in Some Fudge. Have a blessed National Fudge Day.
June is Oral Health Month
He he
oral
You know what that means?
Wang
sucky sucky
Ha
boner
shaft
licky licky
Happy Oral Health Month.
June is also Potty Training Awareness Month
If you’re little fucker has not learned that the dookies need to go to their home, then sneak into their bedroom while they are asleep and poop next to their head. When they wake up wondering why there are dookies on their bed you can calmly ask if they know where the dookies are supposed to go. When they say the potty you can then proceed beat them screaming why don’t you use it!
They will surely see the error in their ways and definitely not be traumatized at all by the experience.
Happy Potty Training Awareness Month.
June is Turkey Lovers Month
Show your love to your turkey by rubbing those breast. Fondle those giblets. Coddle that waddle. Give it a good stuffing. Finish it of with your sweet salty glaze. Ba-gawk to you and yours on this hallowed turkey lovers month.
June is Alzheimer’s and Brain Awareness Month
That reminds me. You remember Agnes? Agnes was the mother of Jimmy, you know, the kid who fisted that donkey down by old man Johnsons farm. You should have seen the look on that donkey’s face. One of surprise and defeat over what had become of his life. He had wanted to travel, see Europe. Where did he go wrong? Sure he never really applied himself to anything, but he had been a good donkey. Never kicked anybody. Never bit children. Went to church on Easter. What did he have to show for it? Fisted behind a barn by some inbred yokel who thought he had just bought a coke from a vending machine.
It was too late to stop it. The best he could hope for now was to make him pay the only way he knew how. So he clinched. He clinched like he never clinched before.
He clinched and he thought of Paris.
The baguettes.
Oh, the baguettes.
He could almost taste them.
Where was I?
Oh yeah
I just shit myself.
Happy Alzheimer’s and Brain Awareness Month.
