Brittney or Bigfoot?Brittney or Bigfoot?
Author: Boner Patrol
July AwarenessJuly Awareness
July is Eye Injury Prevention Month. Be sure to wear eye protection while servicing young delicious nubile wangs. You don’t want to get pink eye.
July is also National Corn Month. Celebrate by making yourself a reverse Advent calendar and shoving a new cob of corn up your butt everyday until August.
The first week of July is Clean Beaches Week. Are your beaches filthy? Do your beaches smell? Do you beaches need a thorough cleansing, a douching if you will? Then get those beaches a spit shine during Clean Beaches week.
July 14th is a very special day. First of all it is National Nude Day. What better way to celebrate than dropping trow at the DMV?
Then celebrate National Tape Measure Day by asking for help measuring Mister Happy during the driving test.
Finally, celebrate National Mac & Cheese Day by making sweet love to the Mac & Cheese at Golden Corral.
July 23rd is Gorgeous Grandma Day. Find your favorite GILF and go break a hip.
July 15th is National Pet Fire Safety Day. Celebrate by seeing how flame retardant your pet is by trying to set them on fire.
July 15th is also National I Love Horses Day. Show your love to you horses by offering them a special carrot. Remember Neigh doesn’t necessarily mean neigh. If they resist, just remind them that they could easily be dog food or glue. They’ll come around.
July 20th is National Hot Dog Day. See how many hot dogs you can fit up your ass
July 25th is National Schizophrenia Awareness Day. Wait. Who said that? The wind? What’s my name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me? The squirrels want my nuts. The government knows I’m not a homosexual. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9-11. Happy National Schizophrenia Awareness Day.
July 26th is National Bagelfest Day. Celebrate by putting as many bagels you can on your cock and offering everyone at the office some freshly squeezed cream cheese. Have a blessed National Bagelfest Day
March, 2022, Okaloosa County, Florida – Bigfoot or BrittneyMarch, 2022, Okaloosa County, Florida – Bigfoot or Brittney
I think I may have had an encounter the other day with my two friends, Zeke and Cleetus. We were hunting for wild hog on the yellow river. We were in some super thick pine wood area that had a ton of hog sign which was right by the river and swamp area. We had just found a big sign of uprooted area from hog and we decided to sit for a second and see if we could hear anything.
A few minutes after that, I heard what sounded like a person dribbling a basketball at the top of the key. We approached the sound into a clearing in the woods. That’s when we saw it.
It was this horrendous looking creature working on its fundamentals. Lay ups, finger rolls, step back jumpers. Nothing fancy, just fundamental basketball because that’s what sports fans really want to see.
That’s when Zeke fell asleep and started to snore. That startled the creature who shouted something about it being just as entertaining as men’s basketball and how we were misogynist as it darted back into the woods. Cleetus shit himself but that’s just because of the lack of sphincter control after all these years of “hog hunting”.
Bigfoot or Brittney?
March, 2022, Van Buren County, Michigan – Bigfoot or BrittneyMarch, 2022, Van Buren County, Michigan – Bigfoot or Brittney
I arrived home and observed the movement of what appeared to be a 7 ft tall broad chested hairy animal. It was in a defensive stance at the foul line.
I took the rock straight towards the beast, spin move at the three-point line, left handed jam while grabbing my nuts. This only enraged the animal.
It took the ball back to the top of the key. Did a couple of jab steps, pump fakes, too much dribbling. I stole that shit, pivoted along the baseline and once again jammed it in while making jizzing motions with my other hand.
This went on for a good 30 minutes. I messed around and got a triple double, freaking that creature every way like MJ. The monster eventually faded into the woods mumbling about muscle density and center of gravity.
Humboldt County, CaliforniaHumboldt County, California
I was stationed at Beale AFB, Ca., and I would always drive around looking for the next great fishing hole. I had been driving for quite some time and had decided to pull into Humboldt Redwood State Park.
I started seeing a lot of places where I was thinking I could fish, so I started to slow down even more to find a place to park.
When out of nowhere something walked across the road. It had to have been over 7 feet tall and well over 350 lbs. As far as physical features all I saw was the back and arm swing. The thing never turned around for me to get a better look at it. But it had a large back and rather long arms. As far as the neck goes it didn’t really have one. The animal’s traps made it look like it didn’t have a neck. The hideous beast was dribbling and smoking hashish. It offered me a slim jim and I yelled, “Get behind me satan!” and ran away.
